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worthy1 in married_women

When, oh when?

At what point in your marriage/relationship did ex's STOP contacting you or your hubby?

This seems neverending! It's never emails or texts or phone calls saying "hey, let's get back together" but the "I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing" crap never seems to end!!! It's CONSTANT! If it's not someone on my side, it's on his! Some of these people have even been told that we don't really feel it's appropriate to maintain a friendship with them now that we're married. 

I mean seriously!


Whoa, none of his exes have contacted us since we started dating, even. That would be a big issue for me after marriage! But to be honest, most people don't feel the same way about opposite sex friendship as we do (and as you guys also seem to ) - so it's really difficult to explain to a friendly ex why you don't like them "just checking in and saying hi". Most people genuinely feel like there is nothing wrong there.

I am not in contact with any exes (and I have just a few) and neither is he. The one exception is that we continue to maintain a friendship with a girl he used to "fool around" with - but over time she's become a good friend to me and that's why we keep in contact, becuase she is now BOTH of our friends, not just his. It was a long time ago that he and she fooled around, and it helps that she has an awesome husband and marriage and that we can all hang out together with no hard feelings. But part of that is HER attitude, too - she doesn't bring up the past, doesn't come onto my husband, and is so head-over-heels with her man and her family that I'm not uncomfortable with their history.

Sorry for writing a book, there. If you both have told your exes to back off, the only thing you can really do is not contact back - don't respond, block their online messages, whatever. When you change numbers/addresses, don't give them the new one. And until then, just ignore the calls and mail that comes in. :)
No, the book is good! :)

Our relationship and still even now our marriage has taken place while we are 800 miles away from each other. Some ex's are still in the same city, some are in different states. Neither of us are good at hurting people, so we've managed to not cut off ex's but to remain acquantances. Neither of us agree with the other having ex's as friends, yet it IS hard to tell someone to go away.

I've done it. A couple of times. I've point blank said "listen, no more. You are a great person. I appreciate the time I've had with you even as a friend, but now I'm married so no more." Some have respected that - others have still sent messages saying "I'm sorry for contacting you but I really just want to know how you are doing." At that point, I ignore.

He on the other hand has always just ignored, and these girls are persistant. They keep trying! They don't have his phone number because he has changed it (though I'm sure they could get it pretty easily so I'm just waiting on that). He still gets im's and emails. He just ignores. One in particular, he has known her mom far longer than he's known her. Her mom is really good friends with his mom. Does he tell her to stop and possibly cause family drama?

I don't know. I'm just sick of getting this a couple of times a month. It's ridiculous! I'm honestly getting fed up with technology. It's so easy to find & contact people, especially in secret! These girls don't know that I have his email password, so they email him - behind their husband's/boyfriend's back.

It's funny because their is one that I know about that has been respectful. She is the one that I have dreams about being friends with! It's crazy.

Sorry, now I'm writing a book and telling all of my business.
No, I totally understand your frustration. If you guys have done all you can, this is a sucky situation where you just have to wait it out.

One thing to think of - do you have filter options on your email? You could set up a filter so any email from those girls/guys addresses could skip the inbox and just go straight to delete. I know I pull that one with a particular address that my MIL uses only to send stupid Spam forwards. It helps a lot to just never even see the message! He can block their sn's on most IM programs.

The good thing is that eventually, they WILL stop calling. They will give up. Hang in there!

Thank you! :)
We just stopped using AIM when exes sorta chased us from one SN to another, and now we use yahoo and are very selective about who gets put on it (and knows our chat names). And we use Google chat and just don't give out those addys.

Better to be selective than cause each other grief.
I would cause family drama!!
Me too! But I can't force that on him.

I'm just funny about this kind of stuff. I don't have old letters or gifts or pictures. I don't even have journals that mentioned exes.

Lol I would do it myself.

Seriously I'm horrible here...
Wow, not since we first started dating. We made it pretty clear that not only did we not want to keep in touch, we wouldn't put up with others bringing them up in conversation around us either. I was only quasi-friendly with a couple of my exes and I just stopped emailing. I mean really, do I really want to be buddies with an ex until I'm 80? No way--waste of time and would upset my hubby (and vice-versa). So I just concentrated on non-ex friends with whom I might actually have an ongoing friendship and went separate ways from my exes.

I know some people are more laid back about it but we aren't. Those people are in the past--period.

And I wouldn't put up with an inch of any of his exes trying to weasel their way back into his life, either!! Actually speaking of exes, one of them was still in love with his ex, and she kept calling him to chat, and I finally called her myself and told her she was causing major friction and she should call him again if she wanted us to break up, otherwise leave him alone. She stopped calling. So I have ZERO problem with taking another woman out who's trying to lay ANY sort of emotional claim (even friendship) on my man.

Shameful but true. I'm a Scorpio and fit it to a T in that regard--horribly jealous and no scruples in that department.
UGH! That is how I am! He FEELS that same way but doesn't take action.

I do have one ex that I am friends with. I dated him briefly 10 years ago and since then, he has been a real friend to me. I rarely ever talk to him or anything. There was never a point when I was in love with him or wanted to be with him long-term or anything. He was a major asset to me when I needed him and had no one else (this was waaaaay past our dating). I think we will lose contact just because, but I think it would be really bad of me to tell him to bug off. He doesn't call. He doesn't email. He doesn't anything, so I don't feel right sending him a random email saying go away.

Any others were told in no uncertain terms!
Yeah I'd make my hubs take action!! Better to piss off an ex than the wife.
For real. Which side is his bread buttered on, really!!
With the exception of the family friend, I think it would be best if you both respectfully asked your exes to stay out of your lives. It's time to move on and there really are more people in the world they can be friends with.

I don't think it's good to leave doors open like that when they could be closed. If they won't let you quietly shut the door on them, then that should be a signal to you that you should SLAM that door and RUN the other way!
I agree BUT the family friend is the one being relentless!!!
O. That's trickier then. It might even be worse than the others because she may feel that she has a "right" to your husband, in whatever way. I wouldn't let that lie around, though. You guys really gotta take action, whatever it is you come up with.

oh do i know how you feel

im very very new to live journal, and i've only been married since october 2006 but i have had the SAME issue about the past coming back. i can be kinda of a jelous person at times and i feel like it's totally inappropriate for woman from my husbands past to be trying to still communicate with him, whether it's email, myspace, texting or calling. but its seems like your more calm than i am. lol. but i went to the extreme and both my husband and i changed our mobile numbers. but these ho's just keep finding ways to contact him (mostly through myspace) but in the end it all comes down to trust. i kinda just had to get over it and know that my husband and i were on the same page. he knows what i think is crossing the line and i just hope he respects it. but yeah good luck with that!
marriage ceremony

September 2007

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