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atheniansista04 in married_women

house hold chores

hi! im new to live journal and basically i joined because im a stay at home mom, im bored, and i need a place to kind of be able to get my thoughts out.  my husband and i just married in october 16 of 2006 and had our first child born april 23, 2007.  i guess i should say the honey moon is already over.  its hard because my husband is a US Marine and he is ALWAYS working.  his job is a recruiter and its very demanding and always has him on edge.  it sucks because im staying at home and i feel like although i know that i need to take responsibility of most of the upkeep of the house...i feel like i should still be able to ask my husband to do the dishes every once in a while and expect him to take out the trash without him giving me grief.  i dont know what to do.  should i be doing all the work?  i really want to know if im expecting to much...


Hi and welcome!

I think everybody has a different opinion on house chores, but in this house my hubs and I have agreed that even when I stay home (in a week, actually, as I'm nearly due with baby number 1), he still will do work around the house. I mean when you think about it, taking care of a child is a full-time job, as is taking care of a house--it's not like you can take care of the house/kid for 45 hours a week and then relax and have a beer every evening. So he should split the workload when he's home to make it a bit more fair.

My husband is about to switch careers and that'll mean he's gone more, and I know I'll do about 80% of the housework at that point, but he'll still do some of it (and certainly if I'm overwhelmed he will step up and do more).

I guess the way we look at it is that housework is "our" work, work we have both incurred, and so we talk about how to divvy it up, but we never say he's "helping out at home" because it's half his work in the first place. It's like when he watches our daughter, he'll never be "babysitting" because it's his kid in the first place.

But that is just my opinion.

trash day

well it sounds like you and your husband have a "team" sort of way about it. yeah it's so not like that on this end =(. I cant believe this: my husband didn't take out the trash yesturday (it was trash day) and when he came home I told him he should have taken out the trash. I asked him if he would PLEASE take it out. he said NO. so i went so far last night as to putting ALL the trash in front of the front door and hiding his iron so that he would have to ask me for the iron this morning. So he did and i told him i would give it to him AFTER he took out the freaking trash! he was soooo MAD...but he did it (i mean what other choice did he have?) but yeah its so hard to deal with that kind of dynamic in a household.

Re: trash day

Wow, that's bad!! I think I would be really angry and hurt--I mean it's like some men think it's "work" if THEY have to do it, but it doesn't count as work if YOU have to do it. ("What did you do all day, watch soap operas? No, I will not mop the floor, I'm tired!")

My husband has the job of taking out the trash too and he kept forgetting. So I used to bug him about it and we fought some but then I finally just decided that I wasn't going to care whether the trash made it out to the curb on Tuesdays. And then the neighborhood dogs got into it a couple of times and I did not clean it up, so he did, and now he puts the trash out on the curb. :)

I am not sure what to do about it, though. Some women yell, others try to treat their husbands like children and be sugary sweet about it, but I feel like the real issue is underlying. One thing that helped us when we first started talking about it was to time how long it took us to do each chore, and that helped both of us realize that the stuff we were each doing was real "work." Like I tended to think that car stuff (which I HATE to do) didn't count as much as my mopping, but when we looked at it, it took my husband a lot of time to take care of the cars just like it took me time to mop.

Re: trash day

yeah thats the problem. im very angry and im hurt and im frustrated and this causes me to yell and it leads to arguments that i dont even feel needed to happen. but i feel that even though he isnt taking out the trash or whatever it is that i ask him to do...once i start yelling and losing my cool i dont feel better, the trash is STILL sitting there and then both of us are pissed at each other but it's like there is no giving in. I admit i am very stubborn and when it comes to stuff like this its hard for me to back down and not say anything. but it's like if i start...i cant STOP. lol, its like i can go on and on and on (nagging) and i think that makes my husband want to be MORE stubborn. so yeah...i resort to doing things like putting the trash in front of the door. and i mean it gets done, but its soooo much ENERGY behind that. i almost feel like my husband thrives on it though, like its funny to him. ugh, i dont know. sorry i dont mean to sit here and complain. i feel like thats what i've been doing alot of latly.

by the way: congradulations on your baby! your having a girl right? wow! that's so awesome. i have a little boy and it's just the most amazing thing i tell ya. and your right...it IS a full time job. but i think my husband really thinks that its EASY. he's always telling me "i wish we could just trade jobs for ONE day" but yeah...neways GOOD LUCK! are you planning on doing it natural or medicated? (i dont know HOW woman dont have medication =/)

ok im rambling...

you have every right

I am a navy wife and my husband has been gone practically the whole time we have been here in washington, and when he gets home, I am not one bit shy of asking him to put the trash out, or do the laundry or dishes or fix dinner. The fact that he works a lot is a big deal, but we, SAHMS are working 25/7 we NEVER get a full day off ever, maybe he'll tell us to get out of the house for a few hours, but we never get a full day off like they do, and I believe that if we had to hand them over all the household chores, bills to be paid, things to be called on, and all the errands it takes to run a house by yourself, they wouldn't have a very easy time with it. But, knowing what each other needs is a big deal, and keeping open the communications lines is huge- especially when you are a military wife. Good luck
marriage ceremony

September 2007

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